America and New Zealand are, as far as I know, the only places where prescription medications are allowed to be advertised on TV. It’s been 21 years since the Food and Drug Administration permitted the advertising of prescription drugs on television. It was a dumb decision in 1997, and it’s even dumber now. For me these commercials are comedy gold, however for the weak minded they provide a reason to go to their doctor and ask for a prescription. The issue at hand is, within the 60 second commercial they have to sell the drug, so they show a happy, carefree woman rollerblading with a poodle because she no longer has irritable bowel syndrome. Then they blurt out a huge list of side effects in rapid fire so if you’re not paying attention you only hear how wonderful this new medication is and that you will no longer uncontrollably fart in public.
The worst part is no one in these slick ads look sick, in fact they all look like models. In the commercials featuring psoriasis drugs for example, everyone has great skin, when in fact it causes plaques of red inflamed skin, often covered with loose silver-colored scales, which sometimes crack and bleed. You don’t look like a model, you look like something that just climbed out of the the Marianas Trench!
Look folks, this is what Doctors are for, they spend 4 years in medical school, and then complete 3-7 years of residency training before they are eligible for medical licensing and YOU think you are an expert after watching a 60 second commercial.
Some current medications have the same side effects that they are trying to cure
ADVAIR – which is an asthma treatment has the following warning on the label, albeit in small print ‘may cause asthma related death” WTF.
CHANTIX – the anti-smoking aid can cause “Nausea, sleep disturbance, constipation, flatulence, and vomiting.” Sleep disturbance is the worst since it probably causes Wes Craven induced nightmares, where something creepy and vile is hiding in your sock drawer.
ACCUTANE – for acne, not a huge deal when compared to the side effects which are sleep problems, crying spells, aggression or agitation (the so sorry I just punched you in the face in the freezer aisle at Vons I’m on Accutane excuse, might not work). and the list goes on, dark urine, clay-colored stools, rectal bleeding, black, bloody, or tarry stools.
As a spotty teenager myself I think I would prefer the facial bumps instead of blood pouring from my bottom and the ability to throw a pot from my own stools.
I made up some new medications
In light of all this nonsense and the fact that America is now running on medication and run by a Cheeto in the White House, I decided to make up some medications with, quite frankly, ridiculous side effects……or are they?
POOGO – Treats marginal constipation – Side effects include but are not limited to: Talking out of the side of your mouth, receding hairline, uneven tire wear, ingrowing toenails, lazy eye and dry heaving. Taking this medication for longer than 6 months may cause a lowering of the value of your home.
IMABORE – Cures living a life without variety – Side effects include halitosis, sudden loss of bladder control, a unibrow, split ends and clogged drains.
PLEBIANA – Improves IQ – Side effects include a Jamaican accent, may cause your family to hate you, a sudden loss of stupidity which may make your legs tremble.