Mr. McFeely our new office colleague has an annoying tendency to offer an outstretched hand every time he comes to the office. I wince every time. I don’t like this, one handshake when meeting for the first time is sufficient. I mean it’s such a pointless and antiquated tradition that idiots (humans) continue to practice and I resent it.
I never used to care when I was younger, mostly because I didn’t know any better. It doesn’t take a session with a psychiatrist to figure why the handshake is a bad idea, I’ll just tell you……..contact with other humans, which can lead to all sorts of nasty things, including but not limited to Abscesses, Anthrax, Athlete’s foot, Cold sores, Conjunctivitis, Coxsackievirus, Diarrhea, Diphtheria, Ebola and the Common Cold.
So I say let’s end this medieval practice of shaking hands that has been practiced as far back as the 2nd century BC. Let’s face it handshakes serve no practical purpose and you generally come off as phony and insincere.
So here’s a few ideas to try the next time Mr. McFeely shoves his outstretched hand at you.
- Wrap your hand in a bandage and say you have a flesh eating disorder.
- Hold out your left hand
- If you are male, explain you are transitioning to a Muslim girl, if you are a female just say you are Muslim.
- Tell them your parents raised you in a leper colony
- Feign cramp in you hand
- Try the Hitler salute
- Put your hand behind your back, stare at the outstretched hand and say “You have lovely hands”
There are possibly consequences of trying any of the above
- The handshaker thinks you’re a weirdo, visibly gets annoyed, but continues to talk to you. This is typically the reaction from a sweaty palmed car salesperson.
- Handshaker becomes incensed and attacks you with a meat cleaver. This tells me you are hanging out with the wrong people.
- Handshaker grabs your hand (you should have tried number 7 above) and shakes it anyway.
- Handshaker is an introvert with no self esteem and thinks the rebuttal is a personal attack on them, begins to visibly shake then runs away. Later that evening the Handshaker runs a bath and drowns.
My solution to this conundrum is simple, we should bow instead, like the Japanese, taking care not to smack heads in the process. They do actually participate in handshaking but it’s typically limp and with little or no eye contact. … like holding a wet fish. After seeing many Japanese businessmen run out of the number 2 stall without even glancing at the hand-washing facility, I prefer to nod my head in a Western style bow acknowledgement.
So next time Mr. McFeely thrusts his hands toward you…..just say NO