I recently traveled to to Princeton, NJ for a friend’s wedding. This is news in itself considering I haven’t been to a wedding ceremony since the marriage of 2 lesbian friends in Fallbrook some 20 years ago. I normally skip it and go straight to the reception. This time was different as this was one of my very good friends getting married, someone I never thought this would happen to.
Long story short, the ceremony was extremely godly, old fashioned and quite frankly it’s ridiculous that people in this day and age believe in this shit. I closed my ears at the part where a passage was read out saying the woman must obey her husband blah blah blah. So I decided that I needed to adopt an imaginary friend, which as an adult is quite a dangerous thing to do. Why? Well, if you have an imaginary friend they call you crazy, if lots of people have the same imaginary friend, they call it a religion.
My new imaginary friend is called Kenneth, I call him Ken for short. Ken doesn’t have any miraculous skills, for instance he can’t walk on water. He can water ski though, but only if towed by a boat and only when the upward force of the water on the ski is equal to the downward force of gravity, at which point Ken can effectively stay afloat. If the boat stops, Ken sinks. They call this fundamental physics or more commonly science.
Ken can’t turn water into wine either and believe me in my mind he has tried. Ken can, however, make a freaking bitchin’ smoothy by using a device known as a blender, invented by Stephen Poplawski in 1922. Ken simply throws different types of solids and liquids into the blender and spinning blades mix it all up.
Ken tries to stay healthy and feels he can eat anything in moderation. This is contrary to what most other people’s imaginary friend believes, who expressly forbids eating rabbit, shellfish, pork, weasels, scavengers, reptiles, and owls. Deep fried owl & chips is one of Ken’s favorites.
Ken keeps his hair short as he feels long hair is dangerous while ziplining and would cost him a fortune in conditioner. He also prefers pants and shirts as he feels white robes would constantly require laundering and folks may think he is wearing a dress.
Ken doesn’t burn bulls at the altar as a sacrifice to create a pleasing odor for the Lord because he likes his neighbors. Instead Ken invites them over for smaller pieces of cow, shaped in patties and lightly cooked on a barbecue. The same neighbor insists on working on the Sabbath, Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Ken has thought about killing him but would prefer to keep him as a friend.
Ken is a cool imaginary friend because he isn’t a hypocrite.