The pressed ham and turkey con, or do I want to eat restructured meat?
I visit deli’s from time to time for lunch, usually when I’m hungry, and that’s the issue, you don’t think straight when you really need to fill your stomach. No one questions the unthinkable things that they put in your sandwich, especially when you choose the meat option. Seems dramatic I hear you say, but oh no, not in the slightest. Order a turkey or ham sandwich at a deli or a diner and what you’ll often find are a few damp, paper-thin, salty slices of something that tastes only vaguely like turkey, if you stretch your imagination……and just because it’s sliced in front of you doesn’t mean it is actually good because what they are slicing it from resembles nothing like any turkey I’ve ever seen. A slice of turkey deli meat isn’t just a thinner version of carved turkey breast; it’s a totally different product.
So what is most deli turkey?
Well it’s many parts of the bird mechanically separated then joined together with binders, which is essentially a form of glue. Often the products (Boars Head comes to mind) come soaked in a certain amount of “flavoring” a wet, gelatinous substance that I might one day be force fed in hell. Seriously eating this stuff is more dangerous than sucking on the pointy end of a machine gun.
The problem lies a few years ago when Americans got fat-conscious and started reaching for more poultry. The meat industry thought hmm and discovered more and more ways to bring the big bird to market, often as highly processed slices or “roasts” formed from these pressed-together small pieces. The processing allows more of the turkey meat to be used and adds moisture and flavoring that complete idiots seem to like, usually the type of people who call for an ambulance because they can’t reach the remote control or have shampoo in their eyes. The finished turkey product, wrapped in vacuum-sealed plastic bags now has a half life of 100 years. Maybe we should consider launching these at North Korea!
Don’t Trust Boar’s Head! – Artificially Browned with Carcinogenic Caramel Color!
It’s the same stuff that President Trump uses to color his hair. Manufacturers add sodium benzoate to health and beauty products such as mouthwash, shampoo, body lotions, and deodorant to prevent bacteria from contaminating these items. It’s also in ……yes you guessed it…..those deli slices of wafer thin turkey you are eating. Sure Boars Head claims to use real meat, well duh of course it’s real meat, it comes from a turkey, BUT includes those unmentionable bits: neck, giblets, ligaments, cartilage, anus…..you know the typical stuff you eat at Thanksgiving. For a nation that has an entire holiday around the humble domesticated turkey I am somewhat baffled by the number of people eating this crap.
Gluten Free Meat
They also state that their products are gluten free but meat is gluten free by definition, unless your turkey leg has been accidentally contaminated by being dropped in a bag of flour. We know that 99% of the population are NOT Celiacs yet 30% of Americans are becoming gluten intolerant……….. Now there’s an animal called a sheep, they are pretty dumb, but their lamb tastes really good. They follow each other around and if one moves over to eat the gluten free grass, all the others follow.
This gluten free nonsense was all brought about by some idiot Australian scientist who conducted an experiment in 2011 that linked gluten to screwing with people’s gastrointestinal bits. He repeated the experiment and it was inconclusive, but the sheep only read the first report. Now we have the ‘Gluten Free Hipster Family”, Zappa, Rain and their daughter Leaf, who think they might have a bloated tummy when they eat a slice of bread, so force feed themselves brussel sprouts, bacon and kale smoothies and drink it from a mason jar. Zappa wears pants so tight his buttocks are on his lower back and Rain walks around saying “Beer is the new wine”. They are so hipster they all have beards, accept for Leaf, who has a mark that looks like a caterpillar defecated on her top lip.